


Malcassiro

by bananasandroses (achuislemochroi)



Series: Whofic [56]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 3X11 (Utopia), Angst, F/M, Originally Posted Elsewhere, Tenth Doctor Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 06:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7628125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achuislemochroi/pseuds/bananasandroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'll do <i>anything</i> to talk about her to someone who remembers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Malcassiro

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the name of the planet in Utopia. The dialogue, on the whole, comes from the WikiQuote [page](http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Tenth_Doctor) for the Tenth Doctor, and the subtitles from the DVD fill in what's left out.

The Doctor should have known that Rose, even though she was no longer here, would never stop amazing him with the things she made possible. Here he and Martha were, at the end of the universe, with a man who by rights should be dead. A man who _had_ died – a lifetime ago, at the Game Station on Satellite Five.

The problem is, though, Jack is very much _not_ dead. And the Doctor can't help but hate him a little for that – that Jack can be alive and well in this universe when the person who's made it possible for that to happen is trapped in a parallel universe. He hates feeling like this, such irrational hatred for someone who should be his friend, but rational sense is a concept he is – in the main – no longer familiar with, now he's lost Rose. Yet, at the same time as his hating Jack, the Doctor is drawn to him; Jack, the one person left alive in this universe who understands exactly what Rose was – _is_ – to him.

So here they both are, dealing with a room full of lethal Stet radiation – Jack inside, he outside – which has already killed at least one man; and, the Doctor supposes, this is probably the best chance he'll get to tell Jack the truth about who made him immortal – and what's happened to her. The fact Jack is on the other side of the door and incapable of throttling him (or not immediately, at any rate) is a bonus.

“How long have you known?” Jack's voice is low and dangerous; the Doctor's completely unsurprised. He would have been surprised if Jack had spoken to him in his usual happy tone.

“Ever since I ran away from you.” The two of them stare at each other; Jack breathing heavily. The Doctor's tone changes, and nonchalantly he says “Good luck.” Jack looks at him, still breathing heavily, before beginning the job he was in the radiation chamber to do in the first place. 

“When did you realise?” the Doctor asks Jack, kick-starting the conversation he knows they need to have. He doesn't really want to have this conversation at all, as he knows it'll end with him spilling his guts about what's happened to Rose, and he doesn't think he can stand to do it.

“1892. Got in a fight on Ellis Island. A man shot me through the heart. And then I woke up.” The Doctor raises an eyebrow; despite himself, he's intrigued. Jack continues in a monotone. “Thought it was kind of strange. But then it never stopped. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, World War I, World War II. Poison, starvation, a stray javelin.” 

The Doctor winced in sympathy.

“Ooh.”

“In the end,” Jack said, in a bitter tone that grates on the Doctor's ears, “I got the message. I'm the man who can never die.” The Doctor says nothing, knowing that nothing he _can_ say will make a difference. “And all that time, _you knew_.” 

The anger, like a whip, in Jack's tone _hurts_. The Doctor chooses his next words with care, conscious that Jack misconstruing him is very possible.

“That's why I left you behind. It's not easy, just, just looking at you, Jack, 'cause you're wrong.” 

The next thing out of Jack's mouth is vicious and _drips_ with venom.

“ _Thanks_!” 

That, too, hurts; The Doctor's babbling changes to a tone that's – almost – apologetic.

“You _are_. I can't help it! I'm a Time Lord, it's instinct. It's in my guts. You're a fixed point in time and space, you're a fact. That's never meant to happen. Even the TARDIS reacted against you, tried to shake you off. Flew all the way to the end of the universe just to get rid of you.”

“So, what you're saying is that you're prejudiced?” 

The Doctor is shocked that Jack should think that of him, and the slightly disbelieving tone of his answer reflects this.

“I never thought of it like that.” Jack’s smile is humourless and full of contempt.

“Shame on you.”

The Doctor has the grace to look ashamed of himself.

“Yeah.” He's steeling himself for what he knows is coming next. And, Jack being Jack, he doesn't disappoint him. Jack's tone is conversational, but with a distinct edge to it that sharpens as he finishes what he has to say.

“Last thing I remember, back when I was mortal, I was facing three Daleks, death by extermination. Then I came back to life. _What happened_?” 

The Doctor swallows and starts to speak, his tone suggesting he is close to tears.

“Rose.” Jack sounds surprised.

“I thought you sent her back home?” 

The Doctor continues, the pride colouring his tone underpinned with wistfulness and regret. He knows Jack just doesn't understand. Doesn’t understand why, if Rose is alive and happy, he is in such an emotional mess; why she is not with him.

“She came back. Opened the heart of the TARDIS and absorbed the Time Vortex itself.”

“What does that _mean_ , exactly?” Jack asked, frustrated.

And the Doctor chose just that time to wax lyrical and reminisce.

“No one's ever meant to have that power. If a Time Lord did that, he'd become a god, a vengeful god. But she was human.” He broke off for a couple of seconds as the memories of that time on Satellite Five washed through him. 

Even now, he could remember everything about how Rose, holding on to the Time Vortex, became a Goddess of Time, and saved him from his worst enemies. And saved him from himself. His tone changed to something so sad and melancholy that he saw Jack's expression tighten, and he knew that Jack knew without being told that something had happened to Rose and, whatever it was, it wasn't good. “Everything she did was so human. She brought you back to life. But she couldn't control it; she brought you back for ever. Still that's something though. The final act of the Time War was life.”

“Do you think she could change me back?” And The Doctor finds, as he suspected he would, that the pain of remembering Rose is as raw and fresh and visceral as it has always been. _How am I ever going to tell him? I'm going to have to tell him the truth, and if it doesn't kill me **he** might well finish the job for me._ He takes a deep breath and starts talking, rushing through it as if to ward off the inevitable.

“I took the power out of her. She's gone, Jack. She's not just _living_ on a parallel world, she's _trapped_ there. The walls have closed.” His eyes fill with tears as he admits to himself, properly, for the first time that she really isn’t coming back. Jack looks at him, speechless, before saying the only thing he _can_ say, inadequate as it is, in a voice full of disbelieving pity.

“I'm sorry.”

The Doctor’s answer is as short as he can make it, because he knows if he speaks more than a couple of words he is going to make himself look like a complete idiot by bursting into tears in front of Jack, and he doesn't want to do that. His grief is still an intensely private thing and he can't share it, not even with Jack.

“Yep.”

His voice breaks as yet again he struggles to come to terms with his hated new reality. He doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants to go and hide; maybe scream and weep for a little while until the pain is dulled again. He suspects he isn't going to have the luxury.

And Jack starts babbling now, himself; the Doctor wishes he would just _shut up_ about it, although he knows that Jack, too, needs to talk about it; he suspects, also, that although Jack doesn't know just how painful every thought and mention of her is, he is the only one who could possibly have any kind of idea.

“I went back to her estate in the '90s, just once or twice. Watched her growing up. Never said hello; timelines, and all that.” The Doctor nods, speechless and lost for a moment in bittersweet memories. And then he figures out the one thing he can say to Jack that'll make him shut _up_ about Rose.

“Do you want to die?”


End file.
